its me...again

well...i'm up early huh..considering the fact tat i slept at 6+ this morning only....well....i'm feeling alrite i guess......mixed up feeling.....lonely....sadness...relieved all at the same time....its hard to decribe how i feel at this moment......im glad its finally over....all the problems tat i left behind...i no longer nid to be worried or be blamed at anymore...i no longer havta singlehanded trying to turn things around anymore.....i should be feeling great! but why am i wrapped up in this misery? i guess it takes time......to get used to this feelings and get on with life....i hope the volunteering work later is gona make me feel better...make my problems seems like nuthing...make me feel like i've got a whole life ahead waitin for me...this is not the end..this is just the beginning...i gotta come here first thing in the morning to pour out my feelings so it doesnt gwt bottled up inside and suffocate me....i wonder how he accept this...but i guess it wudnt leave a scratch on him....he cudnt be more bothered about this....he's not nick...i refused to take it as it is...i wanted a new life for me! i dun wanna get stucked in a r'ship tat cudnt help itself~i'll nvr know if i've made the right decision...but this seems right..i'm desparate to get myself free or i'll rish my sanity...i've nvr cried so hard in my life before....my eye's still sore from it....i'm not ready to tell my mum yet even though i've toked to her this morn...i dont know how to break it to her tat its finally over.....it'll seems to sudden for her and i'm not ready to explain why....bel sms-ed me this morn....she's back at home...one part of me wanted to run over and needed sumone to comfort me..i needed tat..but onepart of me is holding back and telling myself i gotta heal myself..i gotta be strong.....how long can i stand this..i dont know...but this feeling i'm feeling now is far off better than wut i'm feeling last night...i was feeling helpless...i was feeling tat he doesnt care anymore...i was feeling alone in this r;ship..i felt that the r'ship is dead....i dont wan tat...at all..not now...not ever...if he's not able to give me happiness and i'm causing him so much pain and causes him to change into a monster...its a huge hint tat this is it....i cudnt let it do any further damage to the both of us....this is a brand new year..and i''ll just start a brand new life...be the tough gal tat i used to be when i'm single....i realised tat u became much more feminine when ur with a guy...u wanted to be cared for..u wanted him to do everything for u...ur this manja lil kittenn....and got urself so vulnerable tat u'd get hurt so easily...why? cos u opened urself up...u trust tat guy ur dating...u opened up...and therefore u became weak and vulnerable....u get emotional easily and cry easily...u've opened up ur last defense against him...because he's supposed to be on ur side...if he's not...u felt tat deep within u...deep inside ur emotional core..cos u just lost ur last defense...u cudnt defend ur own self...u jiust felt hurt....cos deep down inside...u've opened up and nvr expected to be hurt over and over again....i nvr used to cry as much...the amount of time i cried last year is much more than i ever cried in the past....u lose ur own ability....to handle what he's throwing at u..u felt tat u needed to cry...i depended on him...too much...my emotional need is all depended on him...i have no one to turn to when i'm down....and therefore i became weak....i have no siblings....my best friends arent around...i realised tat when i'm down..i have no one to turn to but myself...now tat he's gone....i gotta learn to trust myself again....i will not depend on him...i'm not his gf anymore...and i gotta just wham tat in my brain! this morn my mum is toking bout travelling and she's toking bout me and nick taking a tour together go china cos now its only 99cent one way....i just kept quiet...i din allow myself to tink about it...i dun wanna tink about the possible good times...taking pics...hugging ..cuddlin ..those is the thing tat i wanted most and tats the craving and attention tat i gotta get rid off first...i gotta get this couple thing outta my mind...cindy...there's no one else but U...U U U and U...if he's not gona be there for u..toughen up! a gal when in love...depends on the guy to take good care of her...she wanna be his baby....wanna feel protected....but this is all over cindy..stop being a baby now and get a good hold of ur life....u can do it......time will heal the wounds no matter how deep it is.........well..i hope i'll be able to trust sumone again....and make the right judgement this time...i'm so easily touched.......i dun wan tat part to get in the way of my judgement....i believe in love and i shall find it........true love.....sumone whom who loves me and take good care of me...and make me feel like a baby again...i wanna be his woman...i wan him to be able to take charge....mebbe tats the reason why my first r;ship has gone down the drain...mebbe i needed sumone much more of a man...a man who can show me tat he's able to take charge...i dun see tat in nick...and mebbe tat's wut i'm trying to bring outta him...i wan him to be better than me...i wan him to impress me..i wan him to be successful and ambitious so i wudnt treat him the way i do...the way he do things.....slow and slacking is making me lose respect and confidence tat i had in him...he let me down too many times...when bathing the dog...or anything else...sumtimes i wan him to do it himself singlehandedly so tat i can prove to myself tat u know...see! u din make the wrong judgement...he can handle things well himself..he doesnt need u to be there ushering him...i wanted him to know wut's his main priorities are and still put me in the first place..mebbe i'm asking too mcuh from him...mebbe its tat sumthing tat i've alwiz look in him but nvr got it...well...to be my man..first of all..he's gotta be THE MAN...u get wut i mean?i'm trying to make him shine so tat he can impress me...so tat i can prove to myself tat...see..he's not tat bad afterall...u can depend on him in the future....if he cud just do the things tat he said he would.mebbe things wud be a lil better...i wanted him to make me his woman...i dont wan myself to be much more hardworking than he is...i dun wanna be more capable than him...i wan him to be able to make me feel secure.....i wan him to make me feel tat he can be depended on in the future...he can tolerate me when its the time of the month...when i needed him or when i'm facing a problem...i dun wan him to take charge over me...but to respect me still....den mebbe i'll respect him a lil more....but i guess to him now..private space is the only thing tat he craves....he needed it more than anything...so be it......he gets wut he gets and i'll move forwards....he wudnt have any trouble finding a new gf....once the news is out...gals will start to throw themselves at him anyway....well..hope he make the right choice this time..hav them go thru some emotional test before dating is my advice....